The Decaf Expose : Is It Actually “Dirty Water?”
A Decaf Deep Dive (from someone who's basically 78% bean juice)
Decaf isn’t a phase. It’s a full-blown lifestyle.
I once drank 15 decaf iced long blacks in 2.5 days — and no, that’s not an exaggeration. Yes, it was excessive. But it wasn’t a fluke. It was just... a long weekend.
Even on a completely normal day, I’ve already stacked three empty decaf cups on my desk by noon. My boss sees the growing collection and assumes the worst: that I’m deeply stressed, wildly overworked, or coming down from an all-nighter. He doesn’t realise they’re all caffeine-free. I’m just... hydrated. Intentionally. Delusionally. Enthusiastically.
So when people ask me, “Why decaf?” — or worse, “Are you okay?” — the answer isn’t simple. But it is very much real.
There came a point where I stopped drinking coffee for the caffeine kick and instead leaned fully into it for the ritual — the satisfying clink of ice against glass, the comforting grip of a takeaway cup, the emotional support beverage energy that makes me feel like I’ve got it together, even if all I’ve done is sip chilled bean water while spiralling gently into the void.
But recently, mid-sip, I had a thought I couldn’t un-think:
What is this decaf I’m drinking by the litre?
Is it actually clean?
Or am I slowly poisoning myself with artisanal lies?
So naturally, I did what any well-adjusted person would do: opened fourteen Chrome tabs, consulted three separate baristas, skimmed one peer-reviewed article, and spiralled enthusiastically into caffeine-free paranoia.
Because while my friends lovingly refer to it as “dirty water,” I started wondering if it was actually… dirty. Like, conspiracy theory in a KeepCup dirty. What if this entire health-conscious identity I’d built was really just ✨caffeine-free delusion✨ dressed up in good branding and even better lighting?
A Tragedy in One Act
Let’s rewind to the beginning — the first decaf I ever tried was, quite frankly, a crime.
It was thin. Hollow. Devoid of flavour or joy.
It tasted like someone had brewed regret, chilled it, and poured it over ice.
There was no boldness. No richness. No espresso hug.
Just disappointment in a cup and a shattered belief system.
I remember thinking:
“If this is what wellness tastes like, I’m out.”
Enter: Redemption Arc
Years passed. My trauma faded. And eventually, curiosity (and desperation) got the better of me. I gave decaf another chance — this time at a nameless café I will not be disclosing (because I believe in mystery, exclusivity, and gatekeeping my sources of joy).
I ordered a decaf iced long black with zero expectations and an escape plan.
Then I took a sip.
And I knew.
Something was different. Something was... suspiciously good.
I flagged the server down with the urgency of someone reporting a felony.
“Hi, sorry, can you triple-check this is actually decaf?”
They confirmed. It was.
And in that moment, my worldview shattered and reformed in a single breath.
That being said — every now and then, when I taste a decaf that’s too good, I spiral just a little. Is it delicious because it’s secretly not decaf? Is anyone actually monitoring this? Can cafés just slap a label on anything and call it “decaf”? Where is the Decaf Police? Honestly, this whole situation is less about coffee and more about my deeply embedded trust issues.
So, What Even Is Decaf?
Contrary to popular belief, decaf isn’t just regular coffee with the vibes removed. It’s coffee that has been chemically, mechanically, and emotionally processed — like a bean that’s gone through a midlife crisis and come out soft-spoken and trauma-aware.
To decaffeinate coffee, you start with the green, unroasted version of the bean. Then, you extract 90–97% of the caffeine before the roasting process even begins. And there’s not just one way to do it — there are three main methods, each more dramatic than the last:
1. Chemical Solvent Method
This involves washing the beans in solvents like methylene chloride or ethyl acetate to strip out the caffeine. It’s efficient, FDA-approved, and mildly alarming because — fun fact — these same solvents are also found in paint thinner.
Vibe: Brewed in a lab by someone who uses the phrase “trust me” far too often.
2. CO₂ Method
This sci-fi method soaks the beans and then uses high-pressure carbon dioxide to selectively remove caffeine molecules. It’s precise, expensive, and sounds suspiciously like something Elon Musk would casually invent in a tweet.
Vibe: If a self-driving car made your coffee.
3. Swiss Water Process
The clean girl of decaf. This process involves only water, osmosis, and activated charcoal filters. It’s chemical-free, passive-aggressive, and probably journals.
Vibe: The wellness influencer of decaf — smug, smooth, and very into boundary-setting.
Personally, I seek out Swiss Water Process like it’s a birthright. If the barista knows it’s Swiss Water, I feel safe. If they hesitate? I mentally rehearse my escape.
Also, shoutout to all the wrong orders I’ve received — roughly 90% of which were lattes instead of long blacks. I HAVE EYES. I can see the difference. But with decaf, sometimes you can’t taste the switch unless you’re very, very familiar with the beans. So you just have to trust.
Which, again: ew. Hard.
The Side Effects (Other Than Emotional Damage)
Let’s talk about hydration — because one of the most common criticisms I get, aside from the sheer number of KeepCups I rotate through, is that I “don’t drink enough water.”
But here’s my redemption arc: decaf iced long blacks are, in fact, hydrating.
Yes, I looked it up. No, I will not be entertaining objections. Decaf may not be as hydrating as water, but it still counts. It’s in the literature. It’s legal. It’s legitimate.
When I read that confirmation, I felt like a villain resurrected. Like someone who had been wrongly accused, exonerated, and returned to the scene with an iced long black in hand and a new lease on life. A caffeine-free Lazarus, if you will.
Anyway. Where were we?
Here’s the tea (or bean juice):
Health perks? Surprisingly, yes.
Still full of antioxidants
Linked to reduced risk of Type 2 diabetes
Can support brain and heart health
May actually reduce all-cause mortality (!!!)
Sketchy stuff?
Trace solvents if chemically processed (FDA says it’s fine, I say yikes)
Bad decaf tastes like regret
Still has a tiny bit of caffeine, so not zero, just vibe-level
So yes. It’s dirty water. But it’s not filthy. And it might just be prolonging your life in ways your dusty bottle of magnesium tablets never could.
Final Sips
I still drink it by the litre.
People still give me side-eyes.
Baristas still pause when I confidently order a “decaf iced long black, no milk, no sugar, just vibes.”
But this isn’t about caffeine anymore. It’s about comfort. Ritual. Emotional regulation through bean juice.
And if, at the end of it all, the only thing I gain is a little peace and a little hydration — then so be it.
Let the dirty water flow.
💚 If this decaf confession hit home… just wait till you see what followed.
Catch the full Matcha Moments spiral on Matcha Toast, start sipping [here].
